Clarification (in other words, I surrender....)

There is a belief that because of certian posts I do from time to time, that I am crying out before I do 'something rash.'  if you are thinking ending my own life, that would be impossible, if only for the simple reason I am too much of a coward.

But what I am dealing with no pill, motivational saying, or realignment of planets can solve.  The fact that I do not belong here.

It is a fact (not opinion, fact) that I have dealt with for most of my adult life.  I have not sellable talents.  I cannot be take seriously by the masses, so sales are out (I'm not Sammy Slickhair either).  Any talents I do have are not not bankable ones.

I can't lie well.  I'm not good at small talk.  I don't like long walks and I don't want a pet. So relationships are out.

I hate wars.  Not just the ones with guns and tanks.  I'm talking about the wars we fight between us. The constant rich-poor-middle, black-white-whatever, gay-straight-bi-trans, Christian-Muslim-Jew-whatever wars we have fought almost since the dawn of time and that have gotten worse in the last 16 months.  So I can't be a conservative and I'm making a lousy liberal.

Even in faith, I can't get the answers I seek.  Like what happnens after the end.  I'm not talking about THAT.....or even THAT. I'm talking about what happens after THAT. No one knows.

So in essence, I am empty.  I have fought these battles until I have been spent.  I have lost my home, my livelihoods, my family, probably friends, all because I see truths that no one can see, and I ask questions that no one can answer.  And with seven to twenty years left, i can't fight it any more.

I surrender.

I can't fight the tide anymore.  The stupids have won.  I have lost.  What more can i say.

So I will probably spend the remainder of my time, if I can, being the best worker ant I can be for whoever wants me.  Hopes, dreams, goals...they never exisited anyway. Neither does love.  I'm done fighting that war as well.

Maybe God will place me in someplace where I can do no harm, where I can live out my life harmlessly and without controversy.  And maybe I will be allowed to see the thing I have said come to pass.  And maybe, when I do go, I'll simply fall asleep.  Maybe that's the best.

Until then, I will not force any hand.  i'll just be like the rest, unquestioning, unreasoning, save for the occasional post i might slip in.

And to those friends who are still with me, who are concerned, I am otherwise fine.  I'm just giving up the wars and letting the world do what it will do.

For in the end, there truly is a reason for living.  It's called the next day.

Ben Gazzara on the Dick Cavett Show (with Cassavettes and Falk)

As you know, the actor Ben Gazzara died yesterday at 81.  My main remberence of him was as an intense actor doing a series for NBC called Run For Your Life, their answer to ABC's The Fugitive.

Between that was Anatomy of a Murder before and Husbands after. Husbands, a collaboration with close friends John Cassevettes and Peter Falk, was a breakthtough drama that, in 1970, ushered in the beginnings of American independent film.

In that year, to promote Husbands, Gazzara, Cassavettes, and Falk appeared as the sole guests on ABC's The Dick Cavett Show.  This 45-minute edition was timed such because of Monday Night Football.  The end result is the raucous, out-of-control show we present below in its entirety. I think it gives you the essence of who Gazzara and his fellows truly were.

Light at the end of the tunnel...

It has been quite the 24 hours...two calls from temp agencies, and another two today.  I am a happy camper...so far.

First, let me douse a bit of cold water water on me and you.  These are interviews.  I do not have a job as of yet.  They will probably test me on my deteriorating skills and I would be put on call.  But after 14 months of nothing, this is the closest to something I have been through in awhile.

But because of bills (automatic billing sucks sometimes) I'm going to try to live on $5.00 in two days.  If I can get through the next 14 days, i might be able to climb out of the tunnel.

To all who have helped me, thank you so much.  You do not know how much you were able to help me survive this hell.  It looks like it is coming to a close, and I want to do something to thank you.  I just don't know what it will be just  yet...maybe just meeting at a Starbucks.

For those who want to, I will still need help to get through.  You can simply go to the cookie jar at the right of this blog page, or if you are reading this somewhere else, just PayPal to donald.paschal@yahoo.com. End of donation speech.

Again, I do not know what this will bring, but I made a promise to myself that I would not end up on a pile, a walking cadaver defeated.  It's why I would rather spend time with you than my "contemporaries," because you offer hope.

Hope in terms of my business (Thanks Holly).  Hope in terms of my soul (Thank Tracy and Rio).  Hope in terms of my sprirt (thanks to so many).  Hope in terms of friendship (Thanks Holly, Donna, Tiff, Mike, Tamara, Teri, Rio again, and so so many more.)

And if you allow me a bit of Tebowing, thank you God, for all the people I have mentioned, and many more that I could not, you've placed in my path for a reason.  Many of them were  not your shining lights of virtue.  But they were true and honest and real.  And at the time, they were the people I needed most.  Some were libertines. Some were saintly.  Some even fictional (hi Mayor Mills). But they all had one thing in common...all were parts of me and as a whole they kept me alive so far.

So...here we go.  Wish me luck.  Maybe this time I can win one.